Stop Being Right, Start Being Real
The concept of “being right” is at the forefront of my mind lately. It is coming up while talking with friends, watching TV, reading, meditating, and journaling. These experiences have helped me see “being right” as a source of suffering in my life.
Now, you might be thinking I’m way off base. It feels good to be right. Being right gives me security. It protects my ego. I feel good when I’m right. Please don’t leave yet. Give me a couple of minutes to explain.
I am using “being right” in this context to describe our unyielding beliefs, not to describe answering the Wheel of Fortune puzzle before your family members.
Think about where you get your news information as an example. Like most of you, I tend to turn on the channel where the reporters believe the same as me. It is comforting to hear the news that fits with your opinions.
It’s hard for me to watch the other channels. They report the same news but in a way that is not “right” to me. Their reporting highlights issues that make me question my deeply held beliefs. To avoid this confusion, I keep watching the channel that supports my beliefs.
This flows over into personal relationships and activities. Think about people throughout your life who have had differing beliefs from you. Have you ended great relationships with friends over differing religious beliefs? Do you have strained family gatherings due to political differences?
This isn’t something we start doing overnight. Our values form over time through our lived experiences. Our beliefs about other people, events, organizations, societal norms, etc., are formed from our values. No 2 people have the same lived experience, so none of us have exactly the same beliefs.
I don’t know about you, but I can safely say some of my lived experiences were mistakes. The beliefs I developed from those experiences may not be true. Challenging and letting go of these beliefs will help me see what is true.
What are the things you have lost from holding tight to your beliefs? Maybe a friend who made you belly laugh but you were uncomfortable with their new-found passion for animal rights. How about long talks with a family member who was the best listener but you disagree with their views on gender and sexuality.
Having open conversations and being willing to question my beliefs has helped me move closer to the truth and maintain relationships. Here are 3 steps I use to let go of “being right.”
Get Curious: Ask questions that help you understand the other person’s belief of what is “right.” When they are talking, listen. Don’t spend that time mentally rehearsing your response.
Use Facts: Share your message clearly, and offer facts that support your position. Invite them to offer alternate facts. They may have newer information than you or your facts may sway their opinion.
Watch Yourself: Pay attention to your facial expression, body language, and tone of voice. If you are scowling, have your arms crossed, and are using a harsh tone, you may look like you are attacking rather than being curious.
Now, I’m not going to lie and say I do this every day and in every conversation. “Being right” has been my go-to strategy for decades. But just because I’ve always been that way, doesn’t mean I can’t change.
I can say that the discomfort of challenging my beliefs is worth it to know that I am learning how to be a better mother, sister, daughter, friend, and colleague in the process.